What is the proper way to address the issue of roommates consuming my stuff without permission?
A few roommates ago, someone lived with me who didn’t really understand the rules of living as a roommate in a shared apartment / someone else’s apartment (namely, mine). Over a period of several weeks and months, I began to notice and then eventually became convinced that she was using some of my things: shampoo and conditioner, laundry detergent and fabric softener, olive oil. Of course there were other things she used but that were obviously meant to be shared: paper towels, toilet paper and the like. But I was specifically concerned about the things I’d bought without the intent to share them with her.
I could have gone to her and said: “R, just so you know, the shampoo is mine and I’d rather not share it with you.” But that could have offended her on several levels:
- It would seem like a subtle accusation that she’s a thief.
- It might appear like I thought she was not good enough or clean enough to use my things.
- It would come off as if the shampoo, olive oil and detergent were way more important to me than they actually were.
And in fact, #3 was the main reason that I never brought it up with her. I did a rough calculation that her parasitic behavior was draining no more than NIS 10-20 from me every month. I would gladly have paid NIS 20 per month to keep her as a friend and as a friendly, cooperative roommate, so I considered it a small price to pay.
Since, however, she’s long gone, I want to ask for advice. How should I have brought it up with her in a way that was respectful enough toward her and also that addressed the issue with the proper importance to me?
By the way, eventually the issue worked itself out as follows: she knocked on my door one night and asked, “Hey, do we have any more laundry detergent?” I said, “I don’t know if we have any more, but I keep a spare bottle for me.”
Lessons:
- Always establish clear ground rules with every new roommate. Don’t expect a roommate to know how to act or even to be aware of common decency (eg, if you haven’t paid for it and don’t plan to replace it, you can’t use it).
- Don’t live with roommates!
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I picked option 2 long ago, and have never regretted it, despite the cost.
I’ve been without a roommate for several months now, and it’s lovely. My apartment is built for a couple living together – large bedroom, large living room, large entryway, two large enclosed balconies – but two roommates can make it work by using the living room as a second bedroom. Now that I’m finally alone in here, I’m using the space as it’s intended and it has really come alive. Due to some construction in my building, my rent is temporarily lowered and I’m probably saving money.