I’ve noticed that a lot of the readers here are coming from places in the world where there are not a lot of Jews. Consequently, there may be people reading DoG who don’t know what Hanukah is and what it’s all about.
Hanukah (rhymes with Monica) is the Jewish Christmas. It celebrates the birth of our messiah, Moses, three thousand years ago. See, our messiah was around for A THOUSAND YEARS before your lame ass messiah was even born, or not-born. One of Moses’ biggest miracles was the invention of Heineken beer. As you can see, the name Hanukah evolved from Heineken and many traditional Jews still prefer to be known as Hanukans.
Just kidding. Here is the text of the First Book of Maccabees, which I study every Hanukah to remind myself what we’re really celebrating (hint: it has nothing to do with some bogus fairy tale about oil).